Selected Lazlo Letters
Credit Don Novello
aka Father Guido Sarducci
Air Canada | | Anheiser-Busch | Bush Administration | Campbell Soup | Carter Administration | Coca Cola | Ford Administration | Gold Seal Company | Graceland | Kellogg's | KFC | McDonalds | Mobil Oil | Nixon Administration | Preparation H | Timex | The Vatican
To Lazlo Toth | March 23, 1974

Dear Mr. Toth: Thank you for your warm note of March 13th. I appreciate your endorsement of my decision to throw my hat in the ring for the Governorship of South Carolina on the Republican ticket.

I agree with you that Ike made a good President.

Sincerely, W. C. Westmoreland
Air Canada
From: Lazlo Toth ...... November 19, 1977
To: Commanding Officer, AIR CANADA
Dear Sir: I recently flew on your airline and I must say I was more than somewhat disappointed! First of all, the stewardess asked me if I wanted to see the movie. I said, "No, thank you." Later, when I asked for some earphones, she said, "I thought you didn't want the movie?" She thought right, I didn't want the movie, I just wanted to listen to some music, I told her. She said the music was only for people who paid for the movie! "Otherwise, how would we know you weren't listening to the movie," she said. How about the honor system? In my country they don't go around accusing paying customers of cheating! I could afford to fly to Canada, do you think I couldn't afford $2.50 for a lousy movie? Besides, that's $2.50 in Canadian dollars -- cheaper still! I saw a lot of people watching the movie who didn't pay for it! Why don't you charge to watch the movie instead of to listen to it? Why can you watch a movie for nothing but have to pay to listen to some records? It's just not fair! Next thing you know, you'll probably be charging people to look at record albums! Also, my tomato soup was ice cold! I thought it was because I was the only one polite enough to wait until everybody got served before I started eating, but when I told the stewardess my soup was cold, she said it wasn't tomato soup, that it was tomato juice! How was I suppose to know it was tomato juice? What was the soup spoon there for then? I wasted two or three minutes eating it like that! Why don't you label those things? If you can label "salad dressing," why not juice and soup? I knew the salad dressing was salad dressing -- what else could it have been -- jello? Come on! Why do you label something that doesn't need a label and not label the thing I mistook for something else? I think that by labeling the soup and the juice and starting free music you can make a giant step towards better understandings between both of our countries. Things are unstable enough without these things getting in the way, too. Your neighbor,

To: Lazlo Toth ...... December 29, 1977
From: A.R. Godbold, Manager, Customer Relations, Air Canada
Dear Mr. Toth: We were very sorry to learn of your disappointment in some aspects of our service during your travel with us in November, but appreciate your giving us your observations. Recorded music is available on some of our flights at no charge; however, on flights where music is provided in conjunction with a movie, it is felt that, in fairness to all passengers, the charge for the movie must be levied on all passengers making use of the earphones. Soup is very seldom served by the airlines, because of the difficulties inherent in its provision, and it is regretted that this was not clarified with you. Thank you for your interest in writing. Yours very truly,
From: Lazlo Toth ...... November, 1988
To: President, Anheiser - Bush Company
Dear Mr. President: I used to occasionally drink your BUDWEISER Brand, that's how I know the name of your company, and all the fine products you make, light as well as Dark. I have a marketing idea that goes with your name since you have the same name as our new President, George Bush. Since he wants a "kinder, gentler nation", I thought up the idea for you to sell a new beer, -- BUSH BEER -- A KINDER, GENTLER BEER. Maybe it should be BUSH LIGHT, I'll leave that up to you, you're the beer experts, I just come up with the ideas. I'll settle for half a cent a bottle or can -- or 2½ cents for a six pack (a half cent discount on my side) and I'll donate half of what I make to President Bush to help pay off the deficit. I think it's a great marketing gimmick to let people know that everytime they're drinking a BUSH BEER they're helping to pay off the nation's deficit. And here's another line I just came up with to show you I have more than one:

Don't drink and drive --
Drink and pay off the deficit!
A kinder, gentler beer!
And take a cab.

I know it's not much time, but it sure would be nice to have this stuff on the shelves by Inauguration Day, Jan. 20, 1989. Don't give me this "we can't do it that fast" excuse, -- we've got more than two months, plenty of time! Don't forget, the advertising line is already done, we've just got to get the lawyers going with the contracts on your end. Should I fly there to sign the papers or do you just want to mail them to me? My social security number is available upon request, but I hope I'm not going to have to pay taxes on this.

To: Lazlo Toth ...... December 9, 1988
From: Jack MacDonough, VP, Anheuser-Busch, Inc.
Dear Mr. Toth: Thank you for contacting us regarding your idea. As you are probably aware, Anheuser-Busch retains the services of many creative sources. These sources provide us with many ideas and concepts. Some are used; some put on the shelf for future consideration; and there are many that are never used at all. In addition to these agency sources, Anheuser-Busch receives thousands of ideas from people like yourself each year. As I'm sure you can appreciate, the likelihood is very small that such an unsolicited idea would be accepted. In keeping with company policy, we cannot accept unsolicited ideas on a confidential basis. Before considering an idea submitted by an individual outside the company, we ask that person to sign one copy of the enclosed agreement, keep one for his or her records, and return a copy to the undersigned, along with a description of the concept/idea. Once this is done, the appropriate department will evaluate the proposal and determine our interest in it. Because each of the ideas we receive is given individual consideration, we anticipate that it will be approximately four to five weeks from the date we receive your release before we are able to reply to your proposal. Accordingly, we ask that you be patient during this period. Sincerely,
Bush Administration
From: Lazlo Toth ...... December 5, 1991
To: John Sununu, Advisor to the President
When the going gets tough, the tough get going -- and the weak fire their subordinates. Everybody knows that if President Bush's popularity ratings were going up instead of down you would still be Chief of Staff. In today's world, the Captain may still go down with the ship, but the co-captain is always offered to the sea first. At least, you've still got your stamp collection and I'm sure you'll be offered a great book deal like Ollie North. I bought his, and I'll buy yours -- that's for sure.

To: Lazlo Toth ...... December 23, 1991
From: John H. Sununu, Counselor to the President
Dear Mr. Toth, Thank you for your kind message and words of support and encouragement. I feel honored to have been part of these past 3 years of the President's first term in office and look forward to new challenges in the future. I appreciate very much your taking the time to write. Sincerely,
Campbell Soup
From: Lazlo Toth ...... August 15, 1991
To: President, Swanson Foods, Campbell Soup Company
Dear Sir: I have enjoyed your Hungry-Man dinners for some time now and enjoy the turkey dinner especially. The stuffing is excellent. Not long ago I visited the Richard Nixon Library and Birthplace in Yorba Linda, California. The place has some architectural flaws but, all in all, it's a fine monument to a great President. It was at the RNL&B that I got the idea of recreating historic meals from President Nixon's life -- frozen microwavable recreations of his state dinners with world leaders like deGaulle, Khruschev, Mao, Gandhi, etc. Plus meals from special occasions in his life: everyone saw his famous Watergate resignation speech but how many people know what he ate before the speech? Answer: his favorite dish, Chicken with Cauliflower, also known as the fancy name, Chicken Divan. I thought it would be a good idea if the RNL&B would serve these meals in their cafeteria but, you won't believe this -- they don't even have one! Then I thought perhaps they could sell the meals there and people could microwave them at home. But now I have a bigger idea. I plan to expand my President Nixon Historical Microwavable TV Dinner idea to other Presidents! I am now actively in the process of looking for a partner with experience in the frozen dinner field. At present I have packaging samples for 24 of the 40 Presidents. I have enclosed samples for Jimmy Carter (#38) and Gerald Ford (#37) and I am currently working on Martin Van Buren (#8) and Grover Cleveland (#22) which will bring the total to 26. You could add these dinners to the Hungry-Man line and call them "Hungry-President Dinners" but I would prefer calling them "Fit for a President Microwave Dinners" and use the Presidential Seal as our logo. I have tested all the meals myself and they are delicious,

To: Lazlo Toth ...... September 4, 1991
From: Florence Boskey, Consumer Correspondent, Campbell Soup
Dear Mr. Toth: Thank you for your letter and suggestion. It is especially nice to hear from people such as you who have an interest in our work and our products. While we appreciate your good intentions, it is our policy to advise you and other consumers who submit interesting ideas about our predicament. Very often the suggestions offered to us are similar to those developed by our own staff and are already underway. In other cases, we may not have a current business need for a particular idea. If we receive a suggestion that coincides with an idea we are already considering and we proceed with our idea, then the letter writer may think that we appropriated his or her idea. To avoid any such awkward situations and misunderstandings, we have found it best to rely on our own staff. Please accept our sincere thanks, however, for taking the time to write to us. We take great pride in the quality of our products and it's rewarding to know that you share our dedication. Sincerely,

From: Lazlo Toth ...... September 12, 1991
To: Florence Boskey, Consumer Correspondent, Campbell Soup Company
Dear Consumer Correspondent Boskey, I was quite surprised to receive a letter from the Campbell Soup Company regarding my "Fit for a President Microwave Dinners", since I sent my proposal and packaging samples to the Swanson (T.V. Dinner) Company, not Campbell's Soup. After all, your company makes soup, not frozen dinners, everybody knows that. The only reason I put "Campbell Soup Company" on my letter to Swanson's was because it says on the back of the Swanson Hungry Man Turkey (mostly white meat) Dinner, "Write: Swanson Food, Campbell Soup Company, Camden N.]." Clearly, my letter was to Swanson's, and I just don't understand why you Campbell's Soup people opened it in the first place. And then, when you saw that my idea was for Frozen (Historical) Dinners, and had absolutely nothing to do with soup, instead of acknowledging your mistake and forwarding it to Swanson's, (frozen TV dinner specialists!), you send me a letter saying my idea (Fit For A President Microwavable Dinners) is "similar" to an idea already developed by your staff. How can this be when my idea has to do with Microwavable Historical Dinners and your company makes soup! I can only conclude from your letter that Campbells is blatantly cutting Swanson out of the deal and is secretly preparing to go head to head with me in the Frozen Presidential TV Dinner field. One does not have to be born in Vienna to figure out that your discouraging letter and free soup coupons are merely diversions to trick me into abandoning my frozen brain child and steer my creative juices away from this untapped, lucrative arena. Ms. Boskey, where has all this backbiting and clandestine maneuvering led us? Has it helped either of us? I'll answer that question myself -- No! It's clear that if we want to crack this market, cooperation is the key. Although I have been thrown by Campbell's hostile business methods, I have not stopped cooking. I am happy to report that I have now competed frozen entrees for all 41 Presidents and in the sprit of cooperation, I have added small portions of Soup to the dinners of all the Presidents who served more than one term. Cream of Mushroom for the Democrats and Cream of Celery for the Republicans. Also, I thought you might like to know, our Warren Harding Poker Party Dinner will be the first microwave dinner in History to include pretzels. Let's face it, we need each other!

From: Lazlo Toth ...... November 3, 1991
To: President, V-8 Juice Company, (Campbell Soup)
Dear President of V-8 Juice, On Halloween, instead of giving out candy, I offered Trick or Treaters a choice of small cans of juice --
V-8, Tomatoes or Pineapple. And I would like to report to you that 60% asked for V-8! Congratulations!

To: Lazlo Toth ...... December 15, 1991
From: Florence Boskey, Consumer Correspondent, Campbell Soup
Dear Mr. Toth: Thank you for taking the time to give us such kind and thoughtful comments. We appreciate hearing both positive negative comments from our consumers, and yours were particularly rewarding. For over 100 years, we at Campbell's have worked to make the best products available at an economical price. Compliments like yours help us feel that we are achieving that goal. Since you are interested in good food, I am enclosing a coupon for one of our Campbell products and some of our favorite recipe suggestions. I hope you enjoy them. Sincerely,
Carter Administration
From: Lazlo Toth ...... July 29, 1978
To: Hon. Edward R. Roybal
Dear Congressman Roybal, I was just going to write you again to see how the new ethics code vote came out and then I read about your being involved in Koreagate. I personally don't see anything wrong with accepting spending around money from Americans but the fact that it was from a foreign government kind of changes things. The trouble is that someone may accuse you of voting in favor of some bill that has to do with Korea because Park gave you some money. That's the problem. I just wish that new ethics code was in effect a few years ago, then none of this would have happened. Also I bet it's mainly the anti-Korean congressmen who are doing all the yelling. They're probably getting money from Laos -- you can never tell. Anyway, I hope you got the raise and that you won't have to take presents from other countries anymore. It's expensive to live in Washington and the people know it because the paper regularly has a list of what different foods cost in different cities and Washington is usually higher than L.A. for just about everything except certain vegetables -- mainly because we grow them here and save the shipping charges. Here's a dollar for you to use however you want to. I would say it was for your legal battle but this way it doesn't tie you down in any way.  Act confident!

To: Lazlo Toth ...... August 11, 1978
From: Edward R. Roybal, Member of Congress
Dear Mr. Toth: This will acknowledge and thank you for your recent letter. Your dollar bill (serial # L76796236G) is enclosed herewith. Should you wish to correspond further on congressional matters, your letters should be directed to Congressman Henry Waxman. Congressman Waxman is the Member of Congress who represents the district in which you reside. It is, however, a pleasure to hear from you, as I am aware of the great success you have achieved through your correspondence with political figures.

From: Lazlo Toth ...... December 20, 1978
To Deputy Prime Minister Teng Hsiao-ping
Dear Deputy Prime Minister Teng, On behalf of the American people, I would like to say that I hope we keep recognizing each other for years to come! You are a big country with almost a billion people who need to buy everything, and we are a big country who can sell it to you. I would like to take this great moment and suggest to you that in our hour of joy we not forget the one man who made all this possible -- President Richard M. Nixon! He started the entire China-U.S. exchange, and now you can repay him by suggesting to President Carter that President Nixon be named Ambassador to China! With China as his base, who knows what could happen from there! Also, I have read that the Coca-Cola Company is planning on coming over to China. To this I say -- good! They are a fine company that have been around for many years in this country and everybody seems to like them. I think you are one of the best leaders China ever had. American and China! You need us, we need you! Let's go!
The Coca-Cola Company
From: Lazlo Toth ...... December 20, 1978
To: President J. Paul Austin, Chairman and Chief Executive Officer, Coca-Cola Company
Dear Sir: Welcome to China! Like all the newspapers say, "it's a beginning of a new era for Coke!" There are over 800,000,000 Chinese. If you could sell just one Coke to each of them, you would sell 800,000,000 bottles of Coke. And that's if each of them only bought one bottle each! As an American, I am proud that the biggest and best got in there first instead of someone like RC or 7-Up. Since you will be the biggest supplier of soft drinks in that part of the world, President Carter might be asking you for recommendations for Ambassador to China, and a lot of Coca-Cola drinkers are hoping you won't forget President Nixon. I'll bet Mao is turning over in his mausoleum! (You can use that)

To: Lazlo Toth ...... January 5, 1979
From J. Paul Austin, Chairman of the Board, The Coca-Cola Company
Dear Mr. Toth: Thank you for your congratulations on the move to China. It was ten years in the making but I know it will be worth it. Kind regards. Sincerely,
Ford Administration
From: Lazlo Toth ...... September 28, 1976
To: President Gerald Ford
Dear President Ford: Who won the first debate? There is no doubt in my mind who won the first debate -- Gerald Ford! The President! (The one on the right!) My favorite was when the sound went off -- that showed him! Keep it up! 34 days (yards) to go until November 21! Lean to your left -- Lean to your right -- Stand up, sit down -- Fight! Fight! Fight!
Gold Seal Company
From: Lazlo Toth ...... February 18, 1974
To: Mr. Bubble, Gold Seal Company
Dear Gentlemen: I want you to know first of all that I enjoy your product. It's always refreshing to spend some time in the tub with some bubbles. However, I must confess I am puzzled by some of the instructions on the box. It says: "KEEP DRY". How can you use it if you keep it dry? Thought you'd be interested to know someone like me caught the mistake. I thought you'd like to know. Sincerely,

To: Lazlo Toth ...... February 26, 1974
From: M. Hershey, Consumer Relations Director, Gold Seal Company
Dear Friend:
Thank you for your recent letter regarding "MR BUBBLE", which has been referred to this Customer Relations Department for reply. We are pleased to know that you enjoy using "MR BUBBLE" and that you find it refreshing to spend some time in the tub in a bubble bath. It is true we do say on our box: Free Flowing "MR BUBBLE" must be kept dry. By this statement we mean that the box of powder should be protected against moisture in the bathroom if the box is not put away. The box of "MR BUBBLE" should be closed and placed in a cabinet until the next use. Some people tell us they transfer the "MR BUBBLE" powder to a plastic container, or even a large coffee can, to keep dampness out of the powder. Some have mentioned they keep a measuring scoop in the can for convenient measuring of the proper amount of powder to use in each bath. Over-use is only wasteful. Our other products are listed above in our letterhead. We are enclosing an educational bulletin based on our "SNOWY" BLEACH which we would appreciate your giving to your mother. Perhaps you already use "SNOWY" in your home. "SNOWY" is the safe oxygen-type bleach for all washable fabrics and colorfast dyes. When regular laundry such as sheets, towels, underwear and linens are washed with "SNOWY" from the very beginning, and in each wash load, these items will have stronger fiber strength, longer life and better appearance than when harsh chlorine bleaches are used. Thank you again for writing to us. Yours very truly

From: Lazlo Toth ...... March 1, 1974
To: M. Hershey, Consumer Relations Director, Gold Seal Company
Dear M. Hershey,
I was being nice to tell you about the error you have on your box and you send me coupons and tell me to give an additional bulletin about stains to my Mother. To begin with, I wouldn't give your lousy educational bulletin #22 to nobody! Everybody I know knows more about stains and that stuff than your fancy company will ever know! Why you don't even know how to thank someone when they offer you an intelligent suggestion! And then you have the nerve to try and give me some pitch about your BLEACH! I was writing about MR. BUBBLE, I don't care about BLEACH! What does BLEACH have to do with it? Come on! And how come the only words in capitals are your SNOWY BLEACH and MR. BUBBLE while my Mother doesn't even get a capital for her M! This is a warning that I'm thinking of moving on to another bubble bath. Stand by our President! With a right to be angry

To Lazlo Toth ...... March 4, 1974
From: M. Hershey, Consumer Relations Director, Gold Seal Company
Dear Friend:
This is to acknowledge your letter of March 1st and to say that we regret that our reply to your suggestion of February 18th was not satisfactory to you. We certainly do appreciate your suggestion that we eliminate the words "keep dry" on our "MR BUBBLE" box. As mentioned in our previous letter, we say "keep dry" for important reasons: For instance, if the box is left on the side of the tub, it could become wet, and the powder would no longer be free-flowing. If the box is left open in a bathroom that has much moisture in the air, the powder could absorb the moisture, and again would not be free-flowing. Like other manufacturers of product sold in grocery stores and advertised on television, we receive thousands of letters each year, some praising one of our products, some complaining, and others with suggestions. We answer each letter received as courteously as possible, and in almost every instance we mention one of our other products and send some of our advertising. We regret if we offended you in doing so, but assure you this was only a friendly gesture.Thank you again for your suggestion, and naturally we hope you will continue to use and enjoy "MR BUBBLE".
From: Lazlo Toth ...... September 1, 1991
To: Director, Graceland, Memphis, Tennessee
Dear Director, I know Graceland is not for sale, but if it was, what do you think the asking price would be? This is not an offer, it is merely an inquiry. I know real estate in Memphis isn't very expensive compared to most other areas in the Nation but I also know Graceland is a unique property and worth a lot more than similar sized homes in the area. Also, I would like to know where I can purchase the photograph of Elvis shaking hands with President Nixon. I think it was taken the day that President Nixon made Elvis a secret agent. The last time I was at Graceland was in '78, when Elvis' Uncle Fester was still working the gate! I'll bet there have been a lot of improvements to the property since then. Thanking you in advance,

To: Lazlo Toth ...... December 30, 1991
From: Paige Cline, Administrative Assistant, Communications Department, Graceland, Division of Elvis Presley Enterprises, Inc.
Dear Lazlo: This is in response to your letter dated September 1, 1991, concerning Graceland mansion. First of all, I apologize for the delay in responding to your letter. The delay is simply due to a tremendous amount of mail that we receive on a daily basis and it takes awhile to answer it all. In response to your question concerning how much Graceland might be worth, should it be for sale. Well -- first, Graceland is not for sale, and it would be hard to even begin estimating how much the asking price would be set at. In your letter you asked where you might obtain photographs of Elvis and President Nixon. You may write to the National Archives at the address listed in the information I have enclosed for you. Again, I am sorry for the delay in responding to your letter and we greatly appreciate your interest in Elvis and Graceland. Sincerely,
From: Lazlo Toth ...... January 24, 1992
To: Consumer Consultant, Ms. Monti Trent-Zinn, Kellogg Company
Dear Ms. Trent-Zinn, I don't know if you remember me or not. Years ago I almost won the Rice-to-Riches contest. I know I haven't written to you much since then, but I need a favor from Kellogg's and you're the only person I know there. I have an idea for a full length feature movie based on the lives of Snap! Crackle! and Pop!, -- and what I need to know from you at this time is -- what is their last name? Good morning!

To: Lazlo Toth ...... February 13, 1992
From: Linda J. Pell, Manager, Consumer Affairs Department, Kellogg's
Dear Mr. Toth: I am enclosing a fact sheet on Snap! Crackle! Pop! which I hope you will find useful. I am sorry to tell you that these characters were never given a last name. Thank you for contacting us. Sincerely,
Kentucky Fried Chicken
From: Lazlo Toth ...... March 18, 1974
To: President, Kentucky Fried Chicken Corporation
Dear Sir: The Free Enterprise System is in for an attack that will directly affect your corporation. It is my American duty to inform you that are there are people in this country who, in the name of "environmentalists" and "friends of chickens", are dupes of the red menace that is ever so slowly trying to creep into our very minds. A group calling itself Changing Times not Tires, made up of militant ex-auto mechanics, is demanding that America abandon our mascot The American Eagle and adopt a new national bird. They say, "Extinct birds belong to extinct times." But the proudest bird that ever lived is not extinct! There are at least two hundred alive in North America alone. The C.T.N.T. is pushing for the chicken to become the new national bird. They say it helped make this country succeed more than any other bird and if it sounds like a solid idea to you, you're right! But if they make the chicken the new national bird, you're in trouble! Nobody is going to want to eat the national bird so you'll have to go out of business! I know now you can see the seriousness of this! I don't care about chickens -- although I eat them. I only want to keep the eagle our national bird! It would be to our advantage to keep the eagle as our symbol and the chicken as our dinner, and by working together we can do it! God bless you! I love your potatoes best! Let me know your ideas on the subject. Stand by our President! My best to the Colonel. A wonderful American! To the Eagle forever,

To: Lazlo Toth ...... April 3, 1974
From: John Cox, Director - Public Relations, Kentucky Fried Chicken
Dear Mr. Toth: We couldn't agree with you more. Eagles are for emblems and chickens are for eating. Sincerely,
From: Lazlo Toth ...... March 13, 1974
To: Mr. Ray A. Kroc, President, McDonald's, Oak Brook, Illinois
Dear Ray, I got a letter from Darrough Diamond about a week ago where he said thanks to me for writing to you. That's okay, my pleasure. He explained to me how people don't put the jelly on top of the egg but eat the top part separate from the egg part. Pretty clever! I went and had one like that and it did make the top half taste even better, just like he said. Yesterday, I went over to my Mac place, (that's what I call it, they all know me there) and I ordered a hamburger and asked for some jelly and they wouldn't give it to me. I told them how I was friends with you and all but they said they only give it out with the Egg McMuffin. I brought my hamburger home and split it up and used the top half separate just like Darrough suggested, but I don't see why I have to use my own jelly and the Egg McMuffin people get theirs for free. The top half of the hamburger bun tastes even better like that too. It's just not fair! I see where you're up to 10 Billion hamburgers sold. How many more do you have to go? Stand by our President! Your friend,

To: Lazlo Toth ...... March 21, 1974
From: Darrough Diamond, National Advertising Manager, McDonalds
Dear Mr. Toth: Glad to know you tried the top half of the Egg McMuffin product with jelly, and that you liked it. As to your point about giving jelly with hamburgers, there just aren't many people who like hamburgers that way. Most people prefer ketchup, mustard, onions and pickles--the way we make 'em. Thanks for your note. Sincerely,

From: Lazlo Toth ...... November 6, 1990
To: The President, McDonald's Hamburgers Company
Yesterday I ordered a Filet-O-Fish sandwich and small French Fries at your restaurant on the Miracle Mile near San Rafael and paid $2.49 at the drive-up window. I have no idea why they call it the Miracle Mile, but that's what they call it. At the window (#2), your employee handed me a bag that said, "McRib Pack" on it. I said I didn't order "McRib's" but she said that was just "writing on the bag," and that even though the bag said "McRib Pack" on it, no McRibs were involved -- just a Fish Sandwich and French Fries. I figured you must have been out of Filet-O-Fish bags. But when I got home and opened the bag, all that was inside was four paper napkins and one Filet-O-Fish sandwich! No french fries! The French Fries were missing! I paid for them, but they were not there!. Either they fell out of the bag or I was cheated, and I don't see how they could fall out of the bag! It was in my car the whole time! I'm sure they didn't cheat me on purpose, but I was cheated out the French Fries just the same -- I don't have them! You do! And I paid for them! Cash! It doesn't cost $2.49 just for a Filet-O-Fish! Come on! I tried to telephone them to report it and they're NOT LISTED! Other McDonald's restaurants were listed, but not THEM! Why aren't they listed? What are they afraid of? I had to call Kinney Shoes next door and have them send someone over to McDonald's to tell them about what happened. Then I got cut off, and when I tried to call back, it was always busy. Please send my French Fries to the above address and I suggest you tell your employees to cut down on the napkins! They act like everybody orders the McRibs! Maybe if they weren't so busy giving away free napkins and the wrong bags they would have remembered the french fries! Lazlo Toth P.S. A friend of mine used to work at McDonald's and then he switched to Jack-In-The-Box and now a lot of people say he's much happier. How much this is due to his job change and how much is due to other factors in his life, this I do not know. All I know is everybody says he's happier.

To: Lazlo Toth ...... November 19, 1990
From: Joan Qui Henry, McDonald's Corporation
Dear Mr. Toth: Thank you for taking the time to write to McDonald's. Please accept our sincere apology for any inconvenience you may have experienced. McDonald's does its best to maintain high standards of quality, service, cleanliness, value and courteous service to insure that each visit you make to one of our restaurants is a pleasant one. Customer satisfaction is one of our top priorities, and we are concerned and interested whenever a customer is dissatisfied for whatever reason. I have brought this situation to the attention of the franchisee who owns that particular McDonald's, and feel confident that the matter will be corrected. Please accept the enclosed Be Our Guest cards for your use on future visits to any McDonald's restaurant. Again, thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. Through your comments we learn how to serve you better. Very truly yours,
Mobil Oil Corporation
From: Lazlo Toth ...... March 13, 1974
To: Mr. Rawleigh Warner Jr., President, Mobil Oil Corporation
I would like you to know that many Americans appreciate all the oil companies have done for this country and want you to know that just because the press plays up people complaining, a lot of people know the oil crisis is not your fault any more than it is our President's. There just isn't enough oil, why can't people understand that? Don't be discouraged, the American people will someday see that you were telling the truth! God bless your people all over the globe! Stand up for our President! An American, Lazlo Toth

To: Lazlo Toth ...... February 28, 1974
From: Thomas J. Fay, Manager, Corporate Services, Mobil Oil Corporation
Dear Mr. Toth: Mr. Warner has asked me to thank you for your very gracious note of February 15. With all the criticism we have been receiving lately from some areas of the public, the press, and the government, it is nice to know that we have support from people like yourself. Thank you again for writing. Sincerely,
Nixon Administration
From: Lazlo Toth ...... January 31, 1974
To: Vice President Gerald Ford
Dear Vice President Ford: I was a vice president of a lot of organizations myself so I know how you feel. Keep up the good work! Stand by our country! Yours,

From: Lazlo Toth ...... March 11, 1974
To: Mr. Dean Burch, Counselor to the President
Dear Mr. Burch, Congratulations! I just read that you were sworn in as a counselor to President Nixon and as a member of his cabinet. I understand that you will be advising our President on matters of politics. Well, he sure needs you! Things have been pretty rough for him lately and I think it's wonderful that you're there to help. Some people would look upon his cabinet as a sinking boat. But let them remember this: it's the women and children who get in the liferafts first. The men remain until last! Bravo Burch! Bravo Nixon! "The best is yet to come." -- Johnny Mathis. Your friend,

From: Lazlo Toth ...... March 13, 1974
To: General William Westmoreland, Republican Party State Headquarters
Dear General Westmoreland, Well, it won't be long now and it will be Governor Westmoreland! Put another feather in that hat! Congratulations! Even though the Viet Nam war is over, I still remember you. Keep up your knowledge in warfare and you can be another Ike! We could use another general in the White House! The Republican Party sure can use you now! Fight! Fight! Fight! Stand by our President. He got us out of Viet Nam and he gave us China and Russia. Just because he fibbed a little shouldn't make people forget all the good he did! How about his daughters! Good luck,

From: Lazlo Toth ...... May 12, 1974
To: President Richard M. Nixon
Dear President Nixon (Roland) I saw your picture on the cover of Newsweek and saw the pictures of you playing golf with the Teamsters. You look great! And I'm happy to hear that you plan on getting back into public life and making yourself a "public presence". Bravo! Don't keep the people waiting any longer! Jump in! We need you! As a former President of this nation, we deserve to have your advice and need it NOW! Your supporter for life, P.S. I see you have a new dog -- Vicki. What happened to King Timahoe?

From: Lazlo Toth ...... May 12, 1974
To: Boss of the White House Mail Room
Dear Boss of the White House Mailroom, Greetings! I'm sure life in the bins of the most important mailroom in the world isn't all glamour and prestigue and I want you to know that here sits one American who appreciates all you are doing to keep that little function of yours running smoothly. The turnover at that place has been fantastic and I know it must be tough just keeping up with new names. However, you might try to forward your mail a little quicker. I wrote to Bob Haldeman on March 6th and didn't get a letter back from him until May 9th! And he said the fault was yours! He was being nice just to say, "it took awhile for the letter to reach me from the White House," but I could tell he was quite upset. Two months! No wonder our President is having trouble! Get on the ball! Come on! We've got a country to run here -- stop spending all the time in the cafeteria talking to the secretaries! The White House is no playground! America is dependent on you and you are procrastinating! Rome is burning, boss! Set an example for your men! Move it! What's the trouble, do you have tired blood? I hope you get my point. If our President resigns (he never will) or if, God forbids, he is impeached and convicted, what happens to you? I hope you will be able to go with him to Florida. He'll still be getting a lot of mail. Or maybe you could get a job in the mailroom of J. Walter Thompson. I could ask Bob to get you in there. Or, I could get you in at Mr. Bubble -- I have a good friend there! Just call M. Hershey and tell her you're a friend of mine. Glad to do it for you! You have one of the jobs in this world that is small but big at the same time. If it wasn't important, why would there be so many mail boxes? Tell them that next time someone says something to you at one of those fancy D.C. cocktail parties! Now get back to work! Move it! Just helping our President,

From: Lazlo Toth ...... May 16, 1974
To: Vice President Gerald Ford, Vice President of the United States
Dear Mr. Vice President Ford, I just read in the paper where someone tried to put LSD in your coffee in Chicago. Are you okay? I decided to write as soon as I heard about it. Are you still on it? Don't try to write back if you're still on it, your health is more important than my letter. I just hope there was no damage to your chromosomes! I bet the same people did it that tried to put LSD in the Chicago water system during the 1968 Democratic convention. Once they put LSD in Mayor Daley's minestrone when he was in San Francisco to accept the St. Francis of Assisi award from Mayor Alioto. Was he with you when it started to come on? I hope so, he'd know how to handle it! If it wasn't for Richard Daley, Hubert and Muriel would be in the White House today and you would be eating Swiss Steak at some Moose Hall in Michigan! Daley's handling of the convention scene got Nixon elected, you know that! Just because he's a Democrat doesn't mean he doesn't love our President! He does! He's as much a freedom loving patriot as you and our President, that's for sure! If our President ever decides that this country no longer deserves him and he wants to just go fishing and unwind then you would be President!&President Ford& they will call you! And if that happens I hope you won't forget Richard J. Daley when it comes time to name your new V.P. You also could name Agnew! A lot of people would respect you for giving him another chance! Or, you could let people vote. But that wouldn't be right. They didn't get to vote for you! Why spoil them! Keep standing up for Richard Nixon. He put you where you are! He ain't heavy, he's your President! Watch your weight!

From: Lazlo Toth ...... June 17, 1974
To: Director Mary Brooks, Director of the U.S. Mint, The Treasury Department
Dear Director Brooks, I saw a picture of you in the paper with Secretary William Simon. You were giving a commendation to a little boy for bringing in some pennies to ease the shortage. It sure was nice of you to help Sec. Simon, while his head is healing, but I'm puzzled about the pennies question. I would like to know how much $500,000 in pennies would weigh. I would weigh them myself, but I don't have that many, so I need your help! Would it be possible for a man (short) to carry that many pennies on his person? That would be 50 million pennies! Could 50 million pennies account for the shortage? Just checking for my own information. I collect coins! P.S. How about a coin for our President!

To: Lazlo Toth ...... July 3, 1974
From Roy C. Cahoon, Acting Director of the Mint
Dear Mr. Toth, The Bureau of the Mint and I thank you for your interest in our coinage. In answer to your letter of June 17, 1974, the weight of 50 million pennies would be approximately 155,500 kilograms or about 340,000 pounds. Sincerely yours,

From: Lazlo Toth ...... November 20, 1976
To: Ambassador Leonard Firestone Ambassador to Belgium and President of the Nixon Foundation
Dear Ambassador Firestone, I wondered why I never heard from you, not even a thank-you, after I sent you some money for the Nixon library and now I see President Ford is spending a vacation (laying low) at your place on the 13th fairway of the Thunderbird golf course in Palm Springs. Is that anywhere near Frank Sinatra's place? I hope not! I heard that Agnew spends so much time there that the whole neighborhood smells like Baklava. I hope the smell doesn't get in the way of our President's strokes. That's all he needs! Well, now I know why you didn't write back, you were made an Ambassador! Congratulations! Any chance of staying on with Carter, or will you be going back to running the library full time? Next stop, Akron? I think it's kind of interesting that just two days ago I got two new tires for my car and today I saw a right-up about President Ford unwinding at your desert home. I got a flat a couple of days ago and the guy (Bob) at the station (Arco) said he couldn't fix it because the tire was worn down too much and it wouldn't hold a plug. So I got two new ones since the other back tire was pretty worn down, too. I didn't know if I should have gotten new ones or not -- it's a '62 and I don't know how much longer I'll be keeping it. I don't see why they just can't put tread marks right in the cement instead of always having to get new tires! My suggestion: why not combine the Nixon library with a Ford library and save the American people some money? It can be a monument to the 8 years of the Nixon-Agnew Ford epoch. And why not put it right there on the 13th fairway in Palm Springs? It seems like a perfect place! It's all over now! It looks like this is the END.

From: Lazlo Toth ...... November 21, 1977
To: San Clemente Chamber of Commerce
Dear Gentlemen, Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I think it's wonderful you're going to let people tour La Casa Pacifica (The Pacific House) so people can see for themselves how our President spends his time. A thrill? Yes! Most unfortunately, I've been out of the country on a foreign mission, and I missed the announcement that you were selling tickets. I hope it isn't too late! I've been an admirer of President Nixon since way back! I'd stick with him through anything! And I have! Please send two tickets -- I'll be bringing a friend! Also, I would like to have tickets for front seats, if it's possible. I like to be as close as possible to the driver -- I find you can always pick up extra info if you're near the center of the action. It's worked out for me! Thank you a million! This is my dream! Don't forget the front seats! encl: $5 American for two seats to La Casa Pacifica

To: Lazlo Toth ...... Undated
From: San Clemente Chamber of Commerce
Thank you for being interested in the 50th Birthday of the City of San Clemente. We are sorry the President Nixon tour is sold out. Sorry! Enclosed $5 cash.
Preparation H
From: Lazlo Toth ...... January 12, 1991
To: President, Preparation H
Dear Mr. President, I have seen commercials for your product on television and I have but one question -- What does the "H" stand for?

To: Lazlo Toth ...... January 30, 1992
From: Cecilia McDonnell, Manager, Consumer Affairs, Whitehall Laboratories (Preparation H)
Dear Mr. Toth: Thank you for your recent letter concerning Preparation H. Please be advised that H stands for hemorrhoids.
From: Lazlo Toth ...... September 17, 1976
To: President, Timex Corporation
Dear Sir: I saw one of your commercials that showed a woman on the beach in Malibu, California with one of those ticking geiger-counter type things, and she found a watch buried in the sand. I lost a watch a number of years ago, and I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure it might be mine! I've never been in Malibu but I figure a strong current could have carried it down there. (My watch wasn't a Timex, but I figure you never know.) Could you please go through your lost and found box and see if it has the initials "LT" on it and also the inscription, "In case of accident call an ambulance." Thank you. I also liked the one where the guy's dog swallowed the watch and he took it to the Vet and today it's still ticking. One question: How about the dog? Still ticking too? Keep it up! P.S. Where can I get one of those geiger-counters? If you don't have my watch I might start looking for it myself. Can you do any harm to a dog if you go over it with one of those things? Any harmful rays? Also, how about cats?

To: Lazlo Toth ...... September 27, 1976
From: E. David Johnson, Mgr. Market Development-Service
Dear Mr. Toth: Thank you for your letter of September 17. We regret to advise we do not have a lost and found department. Metal detectors are available through hobby stores. Thank you for writing.
The Vatican
From: Lazlo Toth ...... October 5, 1988
To: The Roman Curia, Sacred Department of Saints, The Roman Catholic Church, Vatican City, Vatican
Your Eminences: I would like to report a miracle to Fr. Junipero Serra. Do I have to fill out a form now or what? Best regards to his holiness and his staff,

To: Lazlo Toth ...... October 25, 1988
From: Archbishop Traian Crisan, Secretary, Congregazione per le Cause Dei Santi
Dear Mr. Toth, Your letter of October 5th has arrived at this Congregation for the Causes of the Saints in which you speak of a "miracle" granted through the intercession of Blessed JUNIPER SERRA. As only one canonically approved miracle is required for his canonization, this "miracle" of which you speak must have occurred on or after the date of beatification, that is, September 25, 1988. If this be the case, I would advise you to send a report of the "event" to the Bishop of the diocese where it took place so that he may consider initiating a canonical investigation or not. With every best wish, I am Sincerely in Christ,

From: Lazlo Toth ...... October 24, 1990
To: Archbishop Traian Crisan, Secretary, Congregation for the Causes of the Saints, Vatican City, Vatican
Sorry it's taken me so long to write.
Your Eminence, I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you regarding the Father Junipero Serra miracle that happened on Route 280 when I was on my way to Gilroy on September 24, 1988, but I am somewhat in a dilemma, and before pursuing this cause further I was wondering how locked in you are to the September 25 date or if there might be some kind of a waiver in a case like this, what with only a twenty four hour time difference. Also, do you have some kind of a Report of Miracle form, or some kind of instructions to follow? I don't know how detailed you want me to get at this time. I look forward to working with the canonical investigation team and am willing to meet them at the airport if desired. Regards and best wishes to everyone you know.

From: Lazlo Toth ...... March 23, 1991
To: Archbishop Traian Crisan, Secretary, Congregation for the Causes of the Saints, Vatican City, Vatican
I know the church moves slow, but it's five months since I wrote to you regarding the Fr. Junipero Serra miracle -- and not a word from Rome! I'm trying to arrange my schedule for the next few months and if the canonical investigation team is coming I'd like at least a few weeks notice. I just don't understand why things are moving so slowly. It will be three years in September since Father Serra appeared to me and gave me the idea for the gum. Over five years ago, he cured a nun of lupus, you know that! That was a miracle, and now this! Let's get going! I'm not blaming your staff. I like my naps and spaghetti, too, but there is a time and a place for everything, and now is the time for Father Junipero Serra sainthood! This cause may not seem urgent to them, but we want him named Saint now before those Indian beater charges spread.

The egg will not go back into the shell!

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Hardcopy Credit: The LazLo Letters Citizen Lazlo! | Don Novello, Workman Publishing, 1977, 1992

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